I’ve always wondered what it would’ve been like if I didn’t grow up with this family.

I don’t know.

If things were different, would I be different?

Would I still be scared to move forward in a relationship, always be the one to step back until he pulls me in? Then, when I do get it, I somehow always find my way out again. I don’t even know how I do it, its a talent that I usually just go with. But lately, its becoming a problem.

He has been pulling me in so long that I’m inclined to not go with it. But since I’ve had so much practice of following where my anxiety leads me, I’m exhausted.

There’s  this quote I keep thinking about since yesterday, its from Alex Karev of Grey’s Anatomy. Not verbatim though, but you’ll get my idea.

I figured, if I act like a duck, quack like a duck, maybe I’ll start to feel like a duck.

But, I’ve been doing this for a while now, since the inside is so appealing to me now. But I don’t really feel like a duck, oh maybe sometimes. But really, what I feel like is a fraud. I can’t go on and pretend I’m something like I’m not. I’m still trying. When will I stop feeling like a fraud?

Will it matter where I was brought up? Cause if it does, that’s what I’m wishing for next time I blow a candle.

 

Instagram and Twitter: @kahyehm

Instagram (calligraphy and literature): @wetinkonpaper

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