Just

I guess the only thing to do right now is just to move forward…

 

medicine, its hard… earlier i just sat on two finals exams of a subject im taking now for the second time, and as im sitting there i know, ive failed again knowing full well that this time i did not lack the effort the subjects are wanting since the last time i took it… past forward to after i finished the first test i ate a snack, went up the room to wait for the next test and a friend of mine come up to me and said that he saw some other people had a copy of exam…

now let me tell you thats normal in medicine you have practice exams we call samplexes, so you can you know practice, but some people like holding on to it so its kind of secretive and sometimes you went get a copy… my problem with that right now is theres no point in telling me other people has it i know already… anyway… im ranting… lets past forward again… to the exam that i would probably pass if ive taken it first, but since im feeling bad, and a little bi polar… i slept for thirty minutes before actually answering it like the shit i am… i dont reread the questions, i just straight up answered without thinking about it.

after that, i went back to my apartment, took off my uniform, brought down my cushion from the bed frame and just slept for 8 hours, woke up at 6 pm held my phone and talked to my classmates about that shit of an exam and went out bought caramel fudge with rock salt and cheese, sisig and two bottles of beer… started a movie (btw, im watching the second movie now) and just looked at my tv… LOOKED… cried a little, ate… and i chatted my friend up again about stuff, and he asked me if i have another exam coming up, i told him, yes on friday… and arent we going back to our study place tomorrow, and he said yeah, hell go there at 8 am…

and this just came to me now, that even though life in medicine is hard and you say almost everyday and feel almost everyday how much you want to quit, you just dont…

here we are,

me, im drinking light and watching a movie trying to chill

my study buddies are out

… one is with her cousin trying out dresses for our night out on saturday and just… i think shes gonna eat ice cream

… and another is going to watch the civil war…

we got mad at the exam earlier and im speaking for myself but im probably going to fail again or will need to take remedial exams again… but at the end of the day, we just have to move on because there is another exam waiting to be read and answered, and maybe its going to take you closer to doing what you actually want or maybe not… but you take it anyway…

you love to hate it, and if you really want it, i guess you can always tell that you want to quit. but you wont.

Kampai

Some stuff you realize at 2:36 AM on a Saturday (post TGIF)

i just realized that the “whatever” that was holding my heart for a long time is gone now. in fact I’m finding it hard to remember how that felt.

like all my posts lately (which i wouldnt call lately actually) im going to post this as is, the way i thought about while writing it, you know just letting the thoughts flow.

i realized that (the statement on the first paragraph) while watching the fifth movie on my alone time movie night… “that thing called tadhana” i forgot my train of thought as to why i came to that conclusion…i just sat on my bed staring at my laptop, not really watching the movie anymore and im trying to remember when i open up to one or two of my friends about this is that its not particularly painful, i just feel my heart constantly… AND NOW, I dont.

i cant remember how i stopped feeling that, i cant say i miss it though, im happy about it that even though life is not perfect right now especially what happened and what i felt last week, im in a better place.

 

for that, i thank God, family, friends and myself.

4 hrs before my plating exams

i dont know what this is, if you wanna make a meaning out of this, this a raw post of what im thinking about right now, 4 hrs before a plating that i studied for but not as hard as i can…

it started 2 days ago, the Baccalaureate Mass for the graduating class of 2016, college of medicine, my supposed batch i started to feel heavy, i stopped going to the gym, i turned off my facebook, opening only to post for the campaign or for family… and i barely studied, yes, im trying… but not enough…

i thought ive accepted the fact that id be late to graduate and be an MD, but seeing that, and then the Graduation the next day, its pretty hard to make myself stand up in the morning

im thinking, whats up with me? am i in the right place that it takes all of me to stand up in the morning much less read my books… i dont know, bt im still trying to push through, im scared because its the finals… and i dont want to fail again, but i now lack the motivation to push enough like what ive been doing before…

i dont know, i just had to let this all out, im sorry if this is such a sad post…

i wanna do this for my family, especially my dad who’s doing anything he can to push me though med school… its them that makes me stand up in the morning. whew… this is dramatic… wow… this is not a happy rant…

i just thought that… im awake but im not productive and i dont like to be that person. i want to be doing something right without pushing myself, i want to love what im doing again. but rn, im tired.

i just pray that i come back SOONEST.

I was feeling a bit under the weather today. I fell asleep this afternoon at 430 and woke up at 700 pm and I realized I only logged 700 odd steps and ate tons all day (I opened a new jar of Nutella and a pack of laughing cow, I know. It’s pm, I think) … So I decided to take a walk… And a few sprints near the church where there’s also a procession going on… I logged 8696, this is why you buy a Fitbit! You know when you’re being sedentary.

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Rick Riordan

Is not my favorite writer. His books are good. But the style is not for me. But. Everytime i read the part where the great god Pan faded. I feel scared. Thats how strong his words can be. Like Pan also talks to me. And when he did really fade, i held up a sob and a tear

What i mean is he is a great writer. My problem maybe because the since he writes at a first person POV and he writes about children, you kind of think its not deep enough. But the thing i admire is that as you get though the books… the writing grows up too.

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Nostalgia

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I remember a time, not so long ago.
I was at the beach, it was paradise… I remember thinking how the view was amazing, but what would make it more amazing was when I’m with you while looking at it all. How i cant wait to tell you and to show you pictures.

Now there’s no you.

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And then at this trip, i remembered you.
How I should’ve just focused on what was in front of me. That i don’t need you to appreciate the beauty of it all, not really.

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What I have chosen to see is enough, its the most amazing thing I could ever see at that moment.

Two of the most awesome episodes in history

So, I’m currently watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 6, Episode 7: Give Peace a Chance

The one where Derek operated on an inoperable tumor… just… come on!! BADASS

I just finished watching the one where they killed a patient when April Kepner forgot to check her airway which they said its the most basic thing they teach in Med School… well its not… ITS ONE OF…

Just, I’m speechless… I can’t I just can’t say anything else… Sorry

Question about alcohol + drunk story

When I watch American series like, Grey’s Anatomy or New Girl or 2 Broke Girls or whatever they just drink brown drinks (you know Jack Daniels and the like) straight up without chasers… Is that normal?

Because here, or in my case there’s chasers like you know, juice or coke or whatever… I can never (except when I’m super drunk) drink brown drink straight up! except mixed… or beer… or wine… other types of alcohol (bourbon, vodka any other STRONG ONES) is just we call it here, “gumuguhit” like when you feel the alcohol traveling your GIT

That’s my question… is that normal??

PS story time!!

a few weeks ago, my friends and I got so drunk on a restobar near our school/dorms and I was talking animatedly with one of them and two of them was in the restroom without thinking I put isopropyl  alcohol

(not my pic)

yes, with moisturizer…

anyway, I put like 2 not drops, pours of alcohol on my friends drink until the friend I’m talking to stopped me and I realized what I’m doing and we told my friend who went to the restroom to not drink it… and because we were super drunk… one thing led to the other… we drank it all… the four of us… not thinking about consequences… not thinking if we could get alcohol poisoning.

If you are wondering tho… it does not taste good, and its so fragrant that the smell makes you want to vomit it up… but it smells good… good, but makes you want to vomit it all… (yeah, I smell it now… I remember. NO)

another answer in case your wondering, AGAIN. the hangover was the worst… I don’t know if it was the alcohol (absolut vodka and the other mixed drink that we ordered which I forgot the name of and beer to wash it up) or alcohol (isopropyl with MOISTURIZER mixed to the mixed drink):/ it lasted more that 24 hours HAHA!

Anyway, just a funny story I’d thought I’d share

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